Struggling

Today I took our youngest daughter to the airport to go see her Dad up North. It was her first time flying alone. She’s driving back with him Saturday and he’s coming home for good. Her leaving triggered me. Is this how it would be if we would’ve divorced and he moved away? No, throw that thought out of your mind…He wouldn’t have left his daughters for HER. He wanted to leave you, but not them.
So he’s sending photos of her having a great time and I’m happy that they are having some much needed daddy/daughter time. He calls this afternoon and tells me that they are getting ready to go to the gym, which she has been dying to do with Dad. He proceeds to tell me that after the gym they were going to go to a Vietnamese restaurant with a lady he met at the gym awhile back. Our daughter loves noodles and rice and any Asian food. Now mind you he’s told me about this woman. I’ve been trying to be understanding; that he finally made a “friend” at the gym where everyone seems rude as hell. Well…. This triggered the fuck out of me. WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU GO TO DINNER WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, ONE WHO I DON’T KNOW WITH OUR CHILD?!?!?!? What in the hell are you thinking?!?!?! It seems so innocent to him, but he has no fucking clue as to how fucked up this is after what he put us through! I’m fucking pissed and struggling to make sense of his thinking this is ok. I explained to him that I wasn’t okay with it and he just thought that was ridiculous. He was telling me, being transparent, he has nothing to hide. Let’s see… I DON’T FUCKING CARE! It’s inappropriate especially after what we’ve been through the last two years and I don’t approve… PERIOD! I know he told me because our daughter would have. How uncomfortable would that have been for her I kept thinking. I explained to him how he felt what he was doing was “innocent” when he went to dinner alone with the whore. He said “I talk about you, us the kids with this lady”. AND?!?!? You told the whore you were married with two daughters too. She didn’t care, she still wanted you. You barely know this woman, just like you barely knew the whore when you went to dinner with her… Oh and walked her to her room, went in, sat on her bed, and FUCKED HER!!!!!!!!!!
He just doesn’t get it and unfortunately never will. I’m just sad. Sad that this is my reality. This is our marriage. His affair is a part of our story.

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Everything happens for a reason

Husband will be home in three days for our daughter’s graduation. I can’t wait to see him. It’s been another long six weeks. House is on the market but only three people have looked at it and no feedback yet. I think it’s a sign. No, I know it’s a sign. Husband is miserable up North. He says he feels he doesn’t fit up there anymore. His dad is struggling financially to pay my husband what we need to live and my husband doesn’t think it will get better. He got a call last week from a friend who owns a restaurant here. They are looking to expand and eventually franchise and wants to talk to my husband about being their district manager. Talk about timing! So he will be going to talk to him Saturday while he’s in town. He’s ready to come home, come home for good. Crazy thing is now both the girls are ready to move. Plans have changed, they just don’t know it yet. He’ll fly back Sunday, talk to his Dad, we’ll fly the 12 year old up there to visit and she’ll drive back with him. He tells me he hates being away from me, from us. He’s been having a lot of anxiety and almost broke down the other day. It’s become too much and he’s just feeling that moving would be a huge mistake. He feels he’s not doing the right thing for our family. So, here we stay. I’ll take the house off the market and life will go back to normal. So I think all things happen for a reason, even the affair. It may have almost destroyed us, but really it brought us to a better understanding of each other and what we have and the love we have for each other. He says I am his rock, as he is mine. Neither one of us could do this life without the other and we know that now. Up North is not where we are suppose to be at least for now. All I know right now is my husband is coming home to be back in these arms and I can’t wait!

Coming home

My husband is finally coming home this weekend. It’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen him. Besides when he went to training for four weeks and met the whore this is the longest we’ve been apart. I’ve been too busy getting our house ready to sell that I haven’t really had a chance to think of his affair. This is a good thing. We are in a good place in our marriage right now. But damnit those stupid triggers are coming to the surface today. When we made plans for him to come home I didn’t quite look at the dates. The whore came here 2 years ago tomorrow. They didn’t have sex because she was having female issues ( whatever that is for her) but he got a good dick sucking and she got showered with my husband’s affection, our money and got his undivided attention for the evening and all the next day. Those stupid dates triggers!
History is repeating itself… My Aunt Flo decided to be over a week late, probably due to my stress over the house and will be here for the next couple days. All I can think about is her being excited to see him and being on her period ( probably her female issues idk) and not able to have sex with my husband. I’m now excited to see my husband and I hate it for him, but damnit if Aunt Flo is still here he’s gonna have to suck it up because I plan on having sex come hell or high water with my husband! I will not let his affair dictate my mind and I won’t let history repeat itself! I plan on enjoying my husband during the next three days and not think of those stupid dates. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him and feel his arms around me. Being back in my safe place again. 2 years ago I would’ve never imagined calling him my safe place ever again. But in two years we’ve gotten so far and she is a distant memory. Just one year ago I was still in so much pain I never thought it was possible to be where I am now. I’m in a better frame of mind and I know with all my heart he will never betray me again.
Here’s to a wonderful weekend with the love of my life! I am so excited this weekend has finally gotten here!

How can I leave my heart?

This morning I got in an argument with my oldest daughter. It started out about one thing and escalated into her not wanting to move with us. My heart is literally breaking. I can’t leave a part of my heart here and move 12 hours away. I’m very close to both of my daughters and can’t bear to be without both of them. I’m trying to get her to realize that this move will be good for our family. A chance to start over from the pain of the last two years.
She’s scared. I’m scared as well. I’m leaving 24 years of memories, friends, family, and clients to start my career over. I’m doing this for my husband to take his father’s catering business to the next level. I’m doing this for my husband to be happy again. Doing what he loves. It’s a huge sacrifice. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t want to leave either but I will do it because I love him and want him happy.
I explained to her that I was her age when I moved away from the Midwest. I didn’t want to move. I had a career and I loved my job. I assumed I didn’t have a choice, yet I was 19. My father had just died and I had no family left there. So I went with my mom, brothers and stepdad and moved halfway across the country. I hated it. I was going to move back by myself. Then I just decided to stay. I think I stayed because of my little brother. He needed me. I look back and my life would’ve been so different if I wouldn’t have stayed.
So here I am 24 years later convincing my 18 year old daughter that we need to do this as a family. Make this move as a family. She’s been lying to me telling me she’s excited when in actuality she doesn’t want to go. I’m asking her to give it a chance. She has friends and a boyfriend trying to keep her here and a server job. No career. No college plans. She doesn’t know where she would live here since she doesn’t want to live with either of her grandparents. She has an opportunity to go with us and have her schooling paid for and be given a business up there. I know she’s scared. I was scared too at that age. Shit, I’m scared now. But sometimes being scared takes us to something wonderful. I wouldn’t have my girls if I would’ve moved back to the Midwest. I wouldn’t have the life I have now.

How can I leave a part of my heart here? I can’t…

Overwhelmed

I’m so overwhelmed right now. I have so much on my plate right now and I don’t know how to handle it all. I’m in so much pain from the wreck so I’m relived to be going to the doctor tomorrow finally. There is so much to be done with the house and I’m not able to do it all because of the pain. The headaches and numbness in my arms and hands are getting to be unbearable. Unfortunately even though I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow, I can’t even get in with my massage therapist until mid April. I don’t want to have to get cortisone shots in my neck so I’ll be waiting it out. I’m glad I at least have an attorney now handling these two car accidents, I don’t need the added stress of dealing with insurance companies as well.
My list of to do things gets longer by the day and I miss my husband. It’s been three weeks since I’ve laid eyes on him. We talk every night, but it’s hard. It’s hard being alone and having to get the house ready to sell on my own. The girls help a little but it seems like it’s one thing after another that needs to be done. My husband’s brother has been doing some things for me, but not the major things like painting. I really wish my husband was here to help. I hate relying on other people right now. My daughter’s boyfriend and his friend are coming over in couple days to help me move furniture and pull up carpet so we can get new carpet in the girl’s rooms. I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to help them move any of it. I’m so frustrated that I feel I can’t get anything done. I feel like my house looks like a bomb went off in it. I’m worried that all the time and money I’m putting into this house isn’t going to be enough. That a realtor is going to tell me ten million other things that I need to do to it.
I need a break. A break that I can’t afford to take right now. Between the house, work, kids, bills, extra expenses and bills, attorneys, pain, etc I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, sad and depressed and don’t know how I’m going to not feel like I’m drowning….

Fool

I can’t help but to think that it only took him less than two weeks away from me back then to meet someone and start the affair. He assures me that it won’t happen again. That he doesn’t make stupid mistakes twice, he learns from his mistakes. I want to believe him. But how can I when I believed back then that he would never hurt me? I still look back and can’t believe he broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces that I have yet to put back together.
He gets pissed when I question him. Not about the affair, but his loyalty. His commitment to us. Am I not allowed to have doubts? Am I not allowed to be scared and untrusting still? I’ve told him I still don’t trust him completely. I’ve told him that I will probably never trust him 100% ever again. That makes me sad, yet I just can’t. That part of me that doesn’t trust him is to protect my heart. It’s there so if he does cheat on me again I’ll just walk away. I won’t look back, there will not be a third chance. I will tell him I always loved him but I will walk away.
I wish I didn’t feel that way. I keep thinking that magically that feeling will go away when we move far away from this place where he broke my heart and stomped on my spirit. Like moving out of this state will miraculously make the past go away. I’m a fool. A fool for thinking that will happen.

The devil in my house

Two years. Two years ago yesterday my husband came home from his training for work. With him he brought the devil into our home.
I’m not a religious person what so ever but I believe in God, the devil, and angels.
That night the devil and I had sex. It wasn’t making love. The person I saw in front of me wasn’t my husband. His eyes were dark, darker than I’d ever seen them and that’s why I knew this wasn’t my husband. It wasn’t the man I loved, who I’d been with for 15 years, who was the father of my children. I was actually frightened by the person who I was having sex with. I felt something was off the minute I laid eyes on him, but it had been a month since I’d been touched by him that I needed that intimacy. I wish I hadn’t. It was cold, unfeeling and I felt he was detached from me. It shouldn’t have been like that.. it should’ve been making love, cuddling, kissing. Something was terribly wrong…
Two years ago today my husband woke up, went to the gym and then left me a message saying that he was going to see his mom. What? You haven’t seen your wife and kids in a month and you’re going to go spend some time with your mother?? Who is this person who came home from this trip? You aren’t close to your mom, why are you going over there? Spend some quality time with us. That night I asked if he would hold me. As he did he asked if we could have “let’s not read into it sex”. What the fuck is that? Again, it was cold and unfeeling. I felt sick and used. I had never felt like that with him… Ever.
The devil found a crack in the foundation of my marriage. I thought we had a good, solid marriage. What I found out by the devil being in my home is that he will find any way to bring you down and destroy you. We were a loving, affectionate couple, but we didn’t have enough quality time with each other. We didn’t put each other first. He put work and I put kids first. He felt I didn’t just call to check on him enough. He felt un-needed except for a paycheck and I felt like the nanny and housekeeper. The devil saw this tiny crack and decided to use this timeframe of my husband being away to try to destroy us. He almost succeeded.
I remember many times having it out with my husband during the next couple months during his affair (at this point I knew) and not recognizing the person staring back at me. His eyes were almost black and the hate that came out of his mouth at me and the look he would give me was NOT the man I married, not the man I loved. I was scared that I would never see that person again.
One day my mother in law called me. I was alone in the house screaming and crying out to God to help me, bring my husband back to me. I answered my phone and all I said to her was that the devil is in my house and she replied “I know.” My husband had told her that day he went over there (2 years ago today) that he had met someone, that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was going to ask me for a divorce. She was speechless. She didn’t tell him he was crazy, she didn’t tell him to stop and think of what he was doing. She said NOTHING. Didn’t defend me, nor her granddaughters. The guilt she had for what she had allowed to happen to him as a kid got the best of her and she said nothing. She was more concerned with herself and making sure she didn’t get on his bad side than saying  “what the fuck are you doing son?!?!?!”
It feels like it happened so long ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I’m coming up on some of the hardest days ever and since I’m a dates person I unfortunately remember them all. I’m afraid they will always be there even 5 or 10 years from now. They are a part of our marriage now. I’m happy though to say that those dark eyes aren’t in my house anymore. When I look into my husband’s eyes they are that soft brown that look at me with so much love. When he looks at me and thanks me for not giving up on him when everyone else did I know I’m appreciated for the strong woman who never gave up and gave in to the devil…