How can I leave my heart?

This morning I got in an argument with my oldest daughter. It started out about one thing and escalated into her not wanting to move with us. My heart is literally breaking. I can’t leave a part of my heart here and move 12 hours away. I’m very close to both of my daughters and can’t bear to be without both of them. I’m trying to get her to realize that this move will be good for our family. A chance to start over from the pain of the last two years.
She’s scared. I’m scared as well. I’m leaving 24 years of memories, friends, family, and clients to start my career over. I’m doing this for my husband to take his father’s catering business to the next level. I’m doing this for my husband to be happy again. Doing what he loves. It’s a huge sacrifice. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t want to leave either but I will do it because I love him and want him happy.
I explained to her that I was her age when I moved away from the Midwest. I didn’t want to move. I had a career and I loved my job. I assumed I didn’t have a choice, yet I was 19. My father had just died and I had no family left there. So I went with my mom, brothers and stepdad and moved halfway across the country. I hated it. I was going to move back by myself. Then I just decided to stay. I think I stayed because of my little brother. He needed me. I look back and my life would’ve been so different if I wouldn’t have stayed.
So here I am 24 years later convincing my 18 year old daughter that we need to do this as a family. Make this move as a family. She’s been lying to me telling me she’s excited when in actuality she doesn’t want to go. I’m asking her to give it a chance. She has friends and a boyfriend trying to keep her here and a server job. No career. No college plans. She doesn’t know where she would live here since she doesn’t want to live with either of her grandparents. She has an opportunity to go with us and have her schooling paid for and be given a business up there. I know she’s scared. I was scared too at that age. Shit, I’m scared now. But sometimes being scared takes us to something wonderful. I wouldn’t have my girls if I would’ve moved back to the Midwest. I wouldn’t have the life I have now.

How can I leave a part of my heart here? I can’t…

Overwhelmed

I’m so overwhelmed right now. I have so much on my plate right now and I don’t know how to handle it all. I’m in so much pain from the wreck so I’m relived to be going to the doctor tomorrow finally. There is so much to be done with the house and I’m not able to do it all because of the pain. The headaches and numbness in my arms and hands are getting to be unbearable. Unfortunately even though I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow, I can’t even get in with my massage therapist until mid April. I don’t want to have to get cortisone shots in my neck so I’ll be waiting it out. I’m glad I at least have an attorney now handling these two car accidents, I don’t need the added stress of dealing with insurance companies as well.
My list of to do things gets longer by the day and I miss my husband. It’s been three weeks since I’ve laid eyes on him. We talk every night, but it’s hard. It’s hard being alone and having to get the house ready to sell on my own. The girls help a little but it seems like it’s one thing after another that needs to be done. My husband’s brother has been doing some things for me, but not the major things like painting. I really wish my husband was here to help. I hate relying on other people right now. My daughter’s boyfriend and his friend are coming over in couple days to help me move furniture and pull up carpet so we can get new carpet in the girl’s rooms. I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to help them move any of it. I’m so frustrated that I feel I can’t get anything done. I feel like my house looks like a bomb went off in it. I’m worried that all the time and money I’m putting into this house isn’t going to be enough. That a realtor is going to tell me ten million other things that I need to do to it.
I need a break. A break that I can’t afford to take right now. Between the house, work, kids, bills, extra expenses and bills, attorneys, pain, etc I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, sad and depressed and don’t know how I’m going to not feel like I’m drowning….

Fool

I can’t help but to think that it only took him less than two weeks away from me back then to meet someone and start the affair. He assures me that it won’t happen again. That he doesn’t make stupid mistakes twice, he learns from his mistakes. I want to believe him. But how can I when I believed back then that he would never hurt me? I still look back and can’t believe he broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces that I have yet to put back together.
He gets pissed when I question him. Not about the affair, but his loyalty. His commitment to us. Am I not allowed to have doubts? Am I not allowed to be scared and untrusting still? I’ve told him I still don’t trust him completely. I’ve told him that I will probably never trust him 100% ever again. That makes me sad, yet I just can’t. That part of me that doesn’t trust him is to protect my heart. It’s there so if he does cheat on me again I’ll just walk away. I won’t look back, there will not be a third chance. I will tell him I always loved him but I will walk away.
I wish I didn’t feel that way. I keep thinking that magically that feeling will go away when we move far away from this place where he broke my heart and stomped on my spirit. Like moving out of this state will miraculously make the past go away. I’m a fool. A fool for thinking that will happen.

The devil in my house

Two years. Two years ago yesterday my husband came home from his training for work. With him he brought the devil into our home.
I’m not a religious person what so ever but I believe in God, the devil, and angels.
That night the devil and I had sex. It wasn’t making love. The person I saw in front of me wasn’t my husband. His eyes were dark, darker than I’d ever seen them and that’s why I knew this wasn’t my husband. It wasn’t the man I loved, who I’d been with for 15 years, who was the father of my children. I was actually frightened by the person who I was having sex with. I felt something was off the minute I laid eyes on him, but it had been a month since I’d been touched by him that I needed that intimacy. I wish I hadn’t. It was cold, unfeeling and I felt he was detached from me. It shouldn’t have been like that.. it should’ve been making love, cuddling, kissing. Something was terribly wrong…
Two years ago today my husband woke up, went to the gym and then left me a message saying that he was going to see his mom. What? You haven’t seen your wife and kids in a month and you’re going to go spend some time with your mother?? Who is this person who came home from this trip? You aren’t close to your mom, why are you going over there? Spend some quality time with us. That night I asked if he would hold me. As he did he asked if we could have “let’s not read into it sex”. What the fuck is that? Again, it was cold and unfeeling. I felt sick and used. I had never felt like that with him… Ever.
The devil found a crack in the foundation of my marriage. I thought we had a good, solid marriage. What I found out by the devil being in my home is that he will find any way to bring you down and destroy you. We were a loving, affectionate couple, but we didn’t have enough quality time with each other. We didn’t put each other first. He put work and I put kids first. He felt I didn’t just call to check on him enough. He felt un-needed except for a paycheck and I felt like the nanny and housekeeper. The devil saw this tiny crack and decided to use this timeframe of my husband being away to try to destroy us. He almost succeeded.
I remember many times having it out with my husband during the next couple months during his affair (at this point I knew) and not recognizing the person staring back at me. His eyes were almost black and the hate that came out of his mouth at me and the look he would give me was NOT the man I married, not the man I loved. I was scared that I would never see that person again.
One day my mother in law called me. I was alone in the house screaming and crying out to God to help me, bring my husband back to me. I answered my phone and all I said to her was that the devil is in my house and she replied “I know.” My husband had told her that day he went over there (2 years ago today) that he had met someone, that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was going to ask me for a divorce. She was speechless. She didn’t tell him he was crazy, she didn’t tell him to stop and think of what he was doing. She said NOTHING. Didn’t defend me, nor her granddaughters. The guilt she had for what she had allowed to happen to him as a kid got the best of her and she said nothing. She was more concerned with herself and making sure she didn’t get on his bad side than saying  “what the fuck are you doing son?!?!?!”
It feels like it happened so long ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I’m coming up on some of the hardest days ever and since I’m a dates person I unfortunately remember them all. I’m afraid they will always be there even 5 or 10 years from now. They are a part of our marriage now. I’m happy though to say that those dark eyes aren’t in my house anymore. When I look into my husband’s eyes they are that soft brown that look at me with so much love. When he looks at me and thanks me for not giving up on him when everyone else did I know I’m appreciated for the strong woman who never gave up and gave in to the devil…

Bad things come in threes

They say bad things come in threes so I hope that we don’t have any more curve balls thrown at us while we’re waiting for our big move up north. Unfortunately I don’t think #3 has hit us yet…

While on our way to my husband’s hometown this past weekend we weren’t even out of our city yet and got into a four car collision on the interstate. We were lucky. My angel, my dad was watching over us. Out of nine people, ourselves and the driver who caused the wreck were the only ones not transported to the hospital. Our car was the only one not towed. We’re both a little sore still from the wreck and I’m still dealing with the pain of my other wreck from August, but we were able to continue driving to our destination.
The weekend went by too fast and I cried as I left him to get on the plane to come home. He assured me that he loved me, that we would be fine. I told him that I was scared. He knew what I meant. I’m scared that he will again cheat on me. I’m not scared of moving, of starting over. (OK, maybe I am a little.) I’m scared that he will put his selfish needs ahead of us again.

Then…
Yesterday I grabbed the mail and my daughter’s health insurance had sent us the breakdown of what they are covering from her time in the ER recently. I took her mid February to the ER for some pain she was having. She has a history of kidney stones and ovarian cysts. The pain was similar to when she needed surgery so I immediately took her. She was passing a large kidney stone and had a UTI. Thank God no ovarian cyst.
**back story- ex husband changed her insurance two years ago to shitty Obama Care without my knowledge. The insurance is in her name with no parent attached to it. Meaning she is the sole carrier and is liable. I think he did this for a reason since he has filed bankruptcy twice and has no credit to ruin. I pay the copay, he pays the deductible and then we split anything over that. So I’m looking at the itemization and the insurance is paying for NOTHING. Now this is only one bill, at the tune of $12,000 which includes a $500 copay which the hospital told me was only $150. I’m going to be lucky for him to pay his half. It’s in her name so if he doesn’t pay it it will ruin credit she hasn’t even had a chance to make yet. As of May of this year he no longer has to pay child support and he plans on dropping this insurance as well. How in the fuck am I suppose to pay this bill?!?! He tried to ruin my credit when we were married, I’ll be damned if I let him ruin hers! I’m appealing with the insurance since I took her to the closest ER. What was I suppose to do? Tell her to suck it up and wait while I sit on hold for 45 minutes to find an ER that takes her bullshit insurance?!?

Him trying to save a buck is going to put my family in financial debt and he doesn’t give a fucking shit what happens to his daughter. Like he said he’s doing what he’s suppose to…carrying insurance. It doesn’t have to be decent, it just has to be something. WHAT AN ASS!!!!

I’m waiting and bracing myself for #3. God help me I can’t take anymore…

Almost 2 years

Two years ago today my husband started his affair. I didn’t find out until the end of March. I can’t believe these months are coming up hard and fast on me. I’m feeling very overwhelmed today yet can’t find the words to tell him. Next weekend we will be driving up to his hometown to get him settled in to start working with his Dad. I will fly home by myself and finish getting our house ready to put on the market. He won’t be able to come home until our oldest graduates from high school at the end of May.
The affair started after he’d only been away from me maybe two weeks in training. What is 3 months apart going to do to us??? And God knows how many more months apart until our house sells… I’m so scared for our future. I can’t even be somewhat optimistic right now.

Dates

I’ve always remembered dates. Birthdays, anniversaries, anything that really meant something to me. I can tell you the date that I graduated from high school back in 1991 to the date I got my cosmetology license the same year. My ex- boyfriend from when I was 15 the exact date we met and his birthday. The night I met my husband, started dating him, the night he proposed (which is coincidentally 14 years ago tomorrow), the exact date we conceived our daughter. Crazy I know. I have a photographic mind when it comes to dates. I used to love this fact until my husband’s affair.
Two years ago today my husband left to go to training for a month for his new job. We had never been apart that long in our relationship. I remember helping him pack and to not forget anything. I helped him the night before with his man grooming which I had done for the last 15 years. We made love the night before knowing it was going to be a month until we were able to touch each other again like that. February was going to be a hard month in more ways than him just going away. I just didn’t know it yet.
I never knew when we said our goodbyes that morning of the 8th that my world was going to come crashing down when he came home in March. I went about that month working, taking care of the girls, dealing with home heating issues, an ice storm that kept us homebound, speaking to my husband every night before bed. Like everything was normal except seeing his face as he walked into the house after work to hug and kiss me. I never knew there was a storm coming that would bring me to my knees and change our lives forever. To this day I can’t believe that my husband did what he did. I can’t believe that we spoke every night and the guilt wasn’t eating at him. I can’t believe all the lies he told me while he was away. All the lies that got bigger and worse when he got home…

I just need to get through the next three months. Can we just take February, March and April off the calendar??

Guys night for the husband

Last night I convinced my husband to go out with the guys. He was invited to meet up for some drinks and dinner. I was glad he was getting out since it had been well before his affair that he got together for a guys night out. He wasn’t thrilled about going, he said he was fine with his life revolving around work and spending time with me and the girls. Honestly I don’t know if I believe that since we were always going out with friends together and separately since we’ve been together. He doesn’t have any friends that I don’t like or never trusted so I was always fine with him going out, I actually encouraged it. He needed it after a grueling week at work. He would go out drinking or dinner or an occasional strip club with the guys and I never thought twice about it. We had a healthy marriage full of trust. Ever since his affair though he has pretty much cut contact with all his guy friends except for one or two. And work takes up so much of his time that he never talks or sees them either.
So he goes out and then calls me on his way home quite earlier than I expected. I had just gotten home from a mother/daughter dinner with our youngest daughter. I asked who showed up and he proceeds to tell me that one guy brought two of his single chick friends. Honestly I was ticked. It was suppose to be a guys night and this douche brings these two whorish looking 40+ single chicks dressed like they are going clubbing, thinking they are still in their 20’s. I almost laughed out loud by what they were wearing. How do I know what they looked like you ask??? Well I’m friends with the guy that invited my husband on Facebook and these two chicks were tagged in a photo. I was all for my husband getting a night out finally after all this time. If wives and “man-eating single friends” were invited then I would’ve liked to have gone as well.
It’s sad to me that I trust no female around my husband now. I assume these women are man eaters because they are single and dressed like sluts, trying so hard to look younger then what they are. They probably aren’t anything close to sluts or man eating whores, but I don’t know them and in that case don’t trust them around my husband. Then I wonder if they were flirty with him and asking their friend about my husband. He is very good looking and would get hit on even in front of me. I used to let it roll off my back, knowing I was his wife, that he was going home with me. I had nothing to worry about. Then ALL that changed.
I hate what my husband’s affair has done to me. It’s changed me and I don’t like the person I’ve become.

What I want to say

I can’t get past this.

The fact that you kissed another woman, you fucked another woman, you told another woman you loved her, you told me you weren’t sure if you loved me anymore, you invested time in someone other than me and our girls.

The way you lied to my face. Telling me that you were sorry, that you saw what this was doing to us and the girls and that you wanted your family; and then she came here to visit and you continued with your affair.

You changed the history of our marriage to suit what you were doing to us. You didn’t have the time to tell me you were unhappy, but told someone else. I wasn’t important enough to tell those things to. You made me feel worthless, unloved and like complete shit.

I don’t know if I can do this. This life with you. I can’t imagine you not in my life either, but the pain of the last two years is unbearable sometimes. I don’t trust you and a marriage cannot survive without trust.

This wall is up. It’s been since the day you asked me for a divorce and got bigger and stronger as more truth of your affair came out. You’re able to knock down pieces of it from time to time and I let you in, but I feel safer behind it.

You were suppose to keep me safe, protect me and you didn’t. How am I suppose to just get past that?

Triggers unfortunately never stop

You never know when you’ll be hit with a fucking trigger that will take you back to the most painful time in your life.
I had been doing really good. I had been so busy I didn’t have time to think about the affair during the holidays and nothing triggered me. The girls had kept me busy and just life in general. I thought I had gotten past the bullshit. I had finally healed. I hadn’t wanted to stalk the whore. I was honestly feeling really good.
Then the other night his female boss texted him about a potential marketing prospect for the business. She made a point to tell my husband that this person used to be a Hooter’s marketing agent. That’s all my husband saw. He didn’t keep reading the text. But I did. She also used to be a Hooter’s calendar girl. Seriously?!? Why in the fuck did his boss feel the need to tell my husband that? She knows he’s fucking married!!! Did she think that he needed to know that information? I mean come on. Did she think that my husband could flirt it up with her to get this girl to come work for them? Mind you my husband is the most friendly, good looking, personable guy they have working for them. The customers and staff love him. This triggered me back to when he would constantly tell me how women would flirt with him and tell him how wonderful and good looking he was. I was envisioning her working closely with him, touching his arm and laughing at his jokes. I was physically getting ill just thinking about it. Thinking that was what it was like when he met the whore. I had to take my anxiety meds that night.
Then the next night I went to my husband’s work to meet up with some gay guy friends I met through my husband for dinner. They had brought a friend with them. None other than the guy that used to work for my husband there that my husband had used as his cover for when the whore came in town in April of 2014. WTF…
This was the guy that supposedly my husband stayed with in the city because he had to be at work super early the next day, on his day off mind you. However husband was with the whore in an expensive hotel that he paid for. She came with her brother which my husband also paid for his room. Throughout dinner all I could think about was that this guy was looking at me thinking I was a complete idiot for staying with my lovely cheating husband. Had he met her when she came here? How much did he know? I can’t believe I sat there. Wishing that I could be invisible.
Yesterday while alone in the car with my husband I asked him if the guy had met her. He said no. I asked if he knew that my husband had used him as an alibi. He again said no. How stupid. What if I had asked him years ago about my husband spending the night at his apartment? What then? What if I hadn’t found out about the affair when I did and just in passing asked this guy about it? Honestly my husband did some really stupid shit in the midst of his affair. He apologized again in the car for ever hurting me and that it would never happen again. It was the biggest mistake of his life and he is one that learns from his mistakes and won’t repeat them. And he told me he loved me and I was everything to him. All I said to him as I quietly cried behind my┬ásunglasses was “I’m so sad to think of the time in which you forgot that you loved me.”