Lonely 

It’s been over three months since I’ve posted anything. Really haven’t had much to write about. I have gotten through oldest daughter’s 19th birthday, husband’s birthday and lil ones 13th birthday and now I must make it through the holidays. One down, one to go. Unfortunately my heart isn’t in it this year. I didn’t even go black Friday shopping. The girls have been out of town since Friday. They went up north for their great grandfather’s 100th birthday. Husband and I didn’t go since he just started a new job in July and I wasn’t going to go without him, so we decided to just send the kids. 

So here I am sitting at home alone since they left. Husband has been working open to close since Friday. I’ve gone out but don’t even care to shop for Christmas. I’ve attempted to start putting up the tree and decorate and didn’t even finish that yesterday. I feel so alone, so depressed. Husband and I even said that we were going to have wonderful alone time while the girls were gone. That hasn’t happened. I should be grateful he has a good job that provides a wonderful life for us. Instead I’m resentful of the time it takes from us. Unfortunately it’s more him going above and beyond for his employers, as always and myself and his kids get what’s left over of his time. I don’t know if I can continue living like this. 18 years though is a long time to walk away even after the shit storm he brought into our lives. I’m just lonely and tired. I was hoping his affair and the aftermath was going to wake up our marriage and change something in it for maybe the better. Nope. Wishful thinking I suppose.

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Bringing on the heartbreak

I’m a lover of the 80’s so this title was very fitting for this post…

Yesterday I got a message from one of my stepbrothers. He wanted to talk. Needed advice. This is the stepbrother I’m closest to. We were both the black sheep of the family. Me being the oldest child and only girl and him being the youngest on his side. He’s come to me over the years about certain relationship issues he’s had. He has 4 children by three different women. He was married to the second child’s mother a long time ago. She left him one day with their son and never looked back. It was devastating to my brother. He moved on and has been with his 2nd wife now for 13 years. They have two kids, ages 12 and 2. The ex-wife remarried and has two young children as well as their son who is a teenager now and has had no contact with my brother for most of his life. The ex lives literally on the other side of the country. My brother honestly never got over what she did, or her.

So my brother comes to me to tell me that he’s been talking to his ex, mainly about their son, but it has come up about what happened between them and maybe a future together. That gets shut down quickly by the ex because she doesn’t want to disrespect his marriage. (I’m thinking she’s divorced again, or separated) He’s telling me that he’s given his wife everything, and she is giving nothing. She wanted to be a stay at home mom-done, she wanted another child-done, she wanted his oldest son (from baby mama #1) out of their house-done. He told her recently that he didn’t love her anymore and that things needed to drastically change or they needed to separate and she flew into a rage telling their 12 year old son that his dad was a piece of shit and that he was kicking them out, etc. When my brother went to speak to his son his wife said “oh now you want to be a good dad huh.”

Now mind you NO ONE on my side of the family knows about my husband’s affair but my mother and my biological brother. NO ONE. And I want to keep it that way. I am so close to this stepbrother I wanted to tell him, but I can’t. I gave him advice that I would give to anyone. I told him that the grass is green where you water it. That he needs to seek counseling or something with his wife. He needs to be able to say he did EVERYTHING to keep his marriage together. But I also told him to leave the ex alone for now. He needs to focus on his marriage and give his wife the opportunity to help fix what is broken. If after all that the marriage can’t be salvaged then move on. He saw what happened with his oldest brother’s first marriage-that’s a mess and I can’t stand to be in the same room with him nor his whore. I want this stepbrother to do the right thing, for himself, his kids and do right by his wife.

Well, I was having this conversation in messenger with my brother this morning while lying in bed with my sleeping husband by my side. His phone rang waking him up and he handled the work related call. He saw I was visibly upset and asked why. Dealing with my brother and trying to tell him the right thing to do was killing me. I never wanted to see him and his wife go through that, what I went through. All I could think about was knowing how much pain she would be in if she found out that he was talking to his ex about a future together. All I could think about was if only my husband would’ve reached out to someone before he thought about having an affair if someone would’ve stopped him like I was trying to stop my brother. I cried like a baby in my husband’s arms this morning. Telling him that I couldn’t handle all this being brought back up to the surface for me. I asked him to promise never to hurt me like that ever again. He hugged me, held me, morning breath kissed me and made love to me. All was right for the moment back in my world.

But the heartbreak I’m feeling for my brother, his wife and kids is bringing back my shattered heart and all those emotions. I hope he really hears me.

 

Counseling

When my marriage was falling apart my doctor put me on an anxiety medicine, an anti depressant, and sent me to a counselor. I stopped taking the anti depressant because it made me violent and made me feel very out of control. I continued to take the anxiety meds and still do occasionally. I only went to the counselor for about a month. She listened to me but I didn’t really feel a connection that I felt I should. She told me that I needed to show my husband some tough love and kick him out. He needed to miss me, miss the kids. I just couldn’t do it. I felt deep down that if he left he wouldn’t come back. He would enjoy he freedom. That’s what he was enjoying when he was away for training that lead to his affair with the whore.
I’m actually glad I didn’t take her advice. I don’t think we would be where we are today if I kicked him out. He stayed and I stayed in his face, talking to him, making him listen, asking questions, watching me break down, seeing what he had done to us. He chose us, chose his family. He’s doing everything he can to make up for what he did. Tells me everything he thinks I need to hear.
I’m needing some advice now. We are a year and a half past d day. I’m really struggling with depression but I don’t want medication. I have days that I break down, that I don’t want this. That I can’t do THIS. I doubt everyone, even myself. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Sometimes I literally just want to run away. I know I need help, professional help. Should I go find another individual counselor or should I try to convince my husband we need couples therapy?

My relationship with the OW in my head

Having a chat with a friend today I told her that I had still been checking on the OW’s Facebook occasionally. My friend has been there for me thru all of this and has given me great advice. Today was no different.
She explained to me something I guess I always knew but put it in terms that made more sense then ever before. She just has a way with words.
I have this need to see the OW miserable. And she’s not. It kills me to see she is happy, her son is happy and she has a baby on the way with her fiancé who was told by her she was infertile. (Thank God my husband had a vasectomy because he didn’t use a condom while fucking her. She told my husband the same infertility story.) It pisses me off that she has had no repercussions from her affair with my husband. She just went back to her life with the fiancé like it never happened. Yet I’m here in constant pain and heartbreak deciding what I want from my marriage now.
My friend tells me today that it’s time for me to shut it down, stop looking at her Facebook and wishing horrible things and unhappiness on this girl whom I’ve never met, yet tried to destroy my marriage. As long as I continue to wish unhappiness on this girl, I won’t find my happiness. My husband has moved on and forgotten about this whore and is doing everything in his power to change and make this right, and now I’m in a relationship with his OW in my fucking head! She’s in my damn dreams for God’s sake! It was a hard pill to swallow but my friend was right. I’m allowing this girl to take up residence in my life and take control of my essence and soul. She is gone, gone from our physical lives but I’ve kept her alive by seeing into her world on Facebook and wishing unspeakable, horrible, vicious, violent things on her. I need to find my happiness and to do that I need to let go. Let go of this person who tried to destroy my life, who wanted my life instead of her own. Let go of the pain she caused. Let go of wishing her unhappiness. I’m having anxiety just thinking about doing this, but I know my friend is right.