Everything happens for a reason

Husband will be home in three days for our daughter’s graduation. I can’t wait to see him. It’s been another long six weeks. House is on the market but only three people have looked at it and no feedback yet. I think it’s a sign. No, I know it’s a sign. Husband is miserable up North. He says he feels he doesn’t fit up there anymore. His dad is struggling financially to pay my husband what we need to live and my husband doesn’t think it will get better. He got a call last week from a friend who owns a restaurant here. They are looking to expand and eventually franchise and wants to talk to my husband about being their district manager. Talk about timing! So he will be going to talk to him Saturday while he’s in town. He’s ready to come home, come home for good. Crazy thing is now both the girls are ready to move. Plans have changed, they just don’t know it yet. He’ll fly back Sunday, talk to his Dad, we’ll fly the 12 year old up there to visit and she’ll drive back with him. He tells me he hates being away from me, from us. He’s been having a lot of anxiety and almost broke down the other day. It’s become too much and he’s just feeling that moving would be a huge mistake. He feels he’s not doing the right thing for our family. So, here we stay. I’ll take the house off the market and life will go back to normal. So I think all things happen for a reason, even the affair. It may have almost destroyed us, but really it brought us to a better understanding of each other and what we have and the love we have for each other. He says I am his rock, as he is mine. Neither one of us could do this life without the other and we know that now. Up North is not where we are suppose to be at least for now. All I know right now is my husband is coming home to be back in these arms and I can’t wait!

How can I leave my heart?

This morning I got in an argument with my oldest daughter. It started out about one thing and escalated into her not wanting to move with us. My heart is literally breaking. I can’t leave a part of my heart here and move 12 hours away. I’m very close to both of my daughters and can’t bear to be without both of them. I’m trying to get her to realize that this move will be good for our family. A chance to start over from the pain of the last two years.
She’s scared. I’m scared as well. I’m leaving 24 years of memories, friends, family, and clients to start my career over. I’m doing this for my husband to take his father’s catering business to the next level. I’m doing this for my husband to be happy again. Doing what he loves. It’s a huge sacrifice. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t want to leave either but I will do it because I love him and want him happy.
I explained to her that I was her age when I moved away from the Midwest. I didn’t want to move. I had a career and I loved my job. I assumed I didn’t have a choice, yet I was 19. My father had just died and I had no family left there. So I went with my mom, brothers and stepdad and moved halfway across the country. I hated it. I was going to move back by myself. Then I just decided to stay. I think I stayed because of my little brother. He needed me. I look back and my life would’ve been so different if I wouldn’t have stayed.
So here I am 24 years later convincing my 18 year old daughter that we need to do this as a family. Make this move as a family. She’s been lying to me telling me she’s excited when in actuality she doesn’t want to go. I’m asking her to give it a chance. She has friends and a boyfriend trying to keep her here and a server job. No career. No college plans. She doesn’t know where she would live here since she doesn’t want to live with either of her grandparents. She has an opportunity to go with us and have her schooling paid for and be given a business up there. I know she’s scared. I was scared too at that age. Shit, I’m scared now. But sometimes being scared takes us to something wonderful. I wouldn’t have my girls if I would’ve moved back to the Midwest. I wouldn’t have the life I have now.

How can I leave a part of my heart here? I can’t…

A letter from my 12 year old daughter

My sweet daughter gave me a letter the other day. Just out of the blue. I cried as I read it and then again as I read it to my husband. This child of ours is so kind and mature beyond her years and I just needed to share this.

Dear Mom,
You do so much for me and sis everyday. We have food on the table and clothes on our body. And whenever I am sad you always cheer me up and you say I am beautiful when I think I’m not. And when I say I’m fat you say “no, you’re just normal size”. There’s so many things you do for me mom, you have helped me a lot with people bullying me and making fun of me. You have made me more independent and you have helped me a lot these past couple school years. I just wanted to take a little bit out of my time to write this for you and show you that I love you so much. I could not ask for a better mom than you. I know our family has gone thru so much lately and you still kept your head up and you told me and sissy to don’t worry about it, we will be okay, we just have to get thru it together. And we did. Our family is fixed and healed. I look at you everyday and say “wow, I’m so glad I have you as my mom”. My heart, my love, my soul. Love, M

Talk about a kid who knows how to make me cry. If it wasn’t for my girls I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the last year and a half. There were many days I just wanted to die, but knowing how it would devastate them and my love for them kept me going. I’m beyond grateful that God entrusted me to be their mother.

Bringing on the heartbreak

I’m a lover of the 80’s so this title was very fitting for this post…

Yesterday I got a message from one of my stepbrothers. He wanted to talk. Needed advice. This is the stepbrother I’m closest to. We were both the black sheep of the family. Me being the oldest child and only girl and him being the youngest on his side. He’s come to me over the years about certain relationship issues he’s had. He has 4 children by three different women. He was married to the second child’s mother a long time ago. She left him one day with their son and never looked back. It was devastating to my brother. He moved on and has been with his 2nd wife now for 13 years. They have two kids, ages 12 and 2. The ex-wife remarried and has two young children as well as their son who is a teenager now and has had no contact with my brother for most of his life. The ex lives literally on the other side of the country. My brother honestly never got over what she did, or her.

So my brother comes to me to tell me that he’s been talking to his ex, mainly about their son, but it has come up about what happened between them and maybe a future together. That gets shut down quickly by the ex because she doesn’t want to disrespect his marriage. (I’m thinking she’s divorced again, or separated) He’s telling me that he’s given his wife everything, and she is giving nothing. She wanted to be a stay at home mom-done, she wanted another child-done, she wanted his oldest son (from baby mama #1) out of their house-done. He told her recently that he didn’t love her anymore and that things needed to drastically change or they needed to separate and she flew into a rage telling their 12 year old son that his dad was a piece of shit and that he was kicking them out, etc. When my brother went to speak to his son his wife said “oh now you want to be a good dad huh.”

Now mind you NO ONE on my side of the family knows about my husband’s affair but my mother and my biological brother. NO ONE. And I want to keep it that way. I am so close to this stepbrother I wanted to tell him, but I can’t. I gave him advice that I would give to anyone. I told him that the grass is green where you water it. That he needs to seek counseling or something with his wife. He needs to be able to say he did EVERYTHING to keep his marriage together. But I also told him to leave the ex alone for now. He needs to focus on his marriage and give his wife the opportunity to help fix what is broken. If after all that the marriage can’t be salvaged then move on. He saw what happened with his oldest brother’s first marriage-that’s a mess and I can’t stand to be in the same room with him nor his whore. I want this stepbrother to do the right thing, for himself, his kids and do right by his wife.

Well, I was having this conversation in messenger with my brother this morning while lying in bed with my sleeping husband by my side. His phone rang waking him up and he handled the work related call. He saw I was visibly upset and asked why. Dealing with my brother and trying to tell him the right thing to do was killing me. I never wanted to see him and his wife go through that, what I went through. All I could think about was knowing how much pain she would be in if she found out that he was talking to his ex about a future together. All I could think about was if only my husband would’ve reached out to someone before he thought about having an affair if someone would’ve stopped him like I was trying to stop my brother. I cried like a baby in my husband’s arms this morning. Telling him that I couldn’t handle all this being brought back up to the surface for me. I asked him to promise never to hurt me like that ever again. He hugged me, held me, morning breath kissed me and made love to me. All was right for the moment back in my world.

But the heartbreak I’m feeling for my brother, his wife and kids is bringing back my shattered heart and all those emotions. I hope he really hears me.

 

World AIDS day

Sitting here thinking of my Dad today. I think of him quite often, but there are certain dates that bring him into the front of my mind. Today is one of those days. My Dad died of AIDS in 1992. Before they had drugs to help people live longer more productive lives while living with HIV. My Dad never got to hold his granddaughters, never got to see me get married, never even got to see me or my brother graduate from high school. He however has gotten me through some very painful times in my life by being spiritually there for me. When I’ve cried out to him to help me I’ve felt his presence. I know he was there for all those milestones, but I wished he would’ve been there physically. My girls missed out on a wonderful man and that breaks my heart. He never got to meet the man that stole my heart 17 years ago.
Yet today also makes me think of my husband who didn’t think twice to have sex without a condom with someone he just met. He put us both at risk. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me fearful. It makes me not trust him to keep me safe. He knows how painful it was for me to watch my father die. How I watched him whither away and be put into a coma. He knows I still cry over losing my father even after almost 24 years.
Today I still grieve for the man who was my first love, the man who was bigger than life in my eyes, the man who will always be in my heart. Until we see each other again, I love you Dad.