Where do I start? I come from divorced parents; they split when I was 10 and my brother was 3. I never saw them fight and seemed to have a good marriage. I spent alot of time with my dad since my mom worked nights. I was a daddy’s girl. He showered me with affection and always told me I was pretty and how much he loved me. My mother on the other hand wasn’t affectionate and I honestly don’t remember her telling me she loved me when I was young.
Fast forward to my mom remarrying when I was 14. I really didn’t care for him or his three boys who were 13, 11, and 9. And he was moving into OUR house, the house that was in my mind still my mom’s and dad’s. The boys didn’t have to live with my mom day in and day out so it was exciting to come over every other weekend and be doted on by their dad and new stepmom. I on the other hand dealt with a man that compared me constantly to his boys. My grades weren’t good enough, my room wasn’t clean enough. I couldn’t do anything right. My little brother got alot of shit too from our new stepdad and he was only 7. Not long after they married I tried to commit suicide. I was sent to a mental hospital. My mom and stepdad told the doctors that I was having issues getting along with my new family. I had started drinking pretty heavily too just to drown out my pain in missing my dad daily, my parents not being together, and these new people being in my life. Two years later I got in a huge fight with my mom right after Christmas. Her doting on the boys trying to be the cool, wonderful stepmom and not giving two shits about me pushed me over the edge. You would’ve thought her daughter trying to kill herself would’ve knocked some sense into her and show her she wasn’t being the mom I needed her to be. Nope. I moved in with my dad. That lasted about 2 weeks. He had taken my mom’s side, believed everything she said. I was the problem. I then ended up moving in with a couple that took me under their wing. They probably weren’t the best influence since they would let me drink, smoke pot, etc. But it worked for me at the time. My dad would give them money from time to time and I was working which I had done since I was 14 so it really wasn’t the worst situation. It was then that I met a guy who would forever be my friend. He became my big brother and has been there for me the last 28 years. This was also the year of my last suicide attempt that landed me back in the same hospital and then to drug rehab. Honestly looking back I just wanted attention. Attention from my mom. Love from my mom. Negative attention is better then none. I learned alot about myself in rehab. Now I know I wasn’t a drug addict or alcoholic; I just needed my mom to be my mom. Those suicide attempts and alcohol and drugs were a cry for help. I just wanted attention from someone who didn’t want to give it to me, but gave it to everyone else.
Fast foward two years later my Dad died. He had contracted HIV and by the time he told my baby brother and I he had full blown AIDS. The doctors gave him 5 months to live. He died two months after he told us, on my stepfather’s birthday. I was 18 and my brother was 11. This was by far the most devestating thing I had gone through. My dad was my protector, my first love, my everything that kept me together. I was heartbroken. Mental hospitals, drug rehab, my unemotional mother and suicide attempts had nothing on the pain of losing my father. My brother and my dad were the only two people I cared about. Everyone else I could care less about. I just needed them in my life and I had lost one of them. I was never the same.
Over the course of the last 25 years I have gotten closer to my stepfather. He can never replace my dad, but I felt it was time to try to make our relationship work. My mother’s and my relationship never changed. I still always felt she went out of her way for all the boys and I got the constant short end of the stick. Even as we all started getting married and having kids it was obvious that she went more out of her way for them then my husband and her biological grandkids. Mind you they have 15 grandkids and only 2 are biologically my mother’s. My little brother has yet to get married or have children.
About 5 years ago the oldest of my stepbrothers had an affair with his high school girlfriend, got her pregnant, left his wife of 10 years and 3 kids together and married the whore. My parents acted like it was no big fucking deal. Paid for his extremely expensive divorce even. (They never even asked if I needed help with mine from my first husband) I was on my sister in laws side throughout the whole thing. It caused my mother and I not to speak for about a year. Throughout that time we spoke through letters. I let her have it. Everything I ever felt she didn’t do for me. How she would constantly tell me how to raise my kids. Never once did she own up to anything. Typical head in the sand. I hold so much anger for this woman and she has no idea. She thinks we’re good now. She still doesn’t see how she pushes me aside even now.
To be continued….
forever changed, but not broken 