A week ago today a friend of my youngest daughter tried to commit suicide. He was in ICU in critical but stable condition. It’s been very tough on my daughter. At only 13 years old it’s so hard to navigate through middle school. I remember it all too well and because of this happening it’s bringing up some seriously old wounds for me. I myself dealt with depression as a teen and tried to commit suicide twice. Once at 14 and again at 16. I finally got my shit straight. Felt that after those two attempts that I was meant to live, that there were things that I was meant to do in life and never had those horrible thoughts of ending my life ever again….until the affair. My children were my saving grace in those months that I was fighting to save my marriage. They were the reason I woke up every day and carried on. They were the reason I didn’t run my car off the road or drive straight into a tractor trailer. Who would pick them up from school if I was dead? Who would make them their lunches, dinner, kiss and hug them goodnight? Who would be there for them to talk about their day? I couldn’t be selfish and take their mother away from them. Even though I truly wanted to die. My heart was broken by the love of my life and I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. Pathetic, I know. Where was the strong woman I was?
Last night my daughter’s friend passed away. It was the most heartbreaking thing for me to watch as she bawled her eyes out. I held her and tried to take her pain away. There are no words I can say to her to lessen the pain of losing her friend. All I could think of is his mother and how my heart is breaking for her. To have to bury her baby boy.
Today I’m looking at life differently. My life differently. I was given a second chance (twice) so long ago. Three years ago I was feeling alone, betrayed, angry, lost. I’ve had those feelings even recently that I wanted to run away and not be here anymore. Today I feel like this is my sign to let go of the hurt. Let go of not feeling good enough. Life is so precious. Hug your babies a little tighter today, talk to your kids, have a real relationship with them. Know what they are doing, who they are friends with and how they feel every damn day. Tell the people you love that you love them. You will never know if that will be the last time you see them. ((((Hugs))))