Body issues 

I’ve struggled for years after the birth of our second daughter with my weight. Before this I had always been thin and under 120lbs most of my life. I had high blood pressure and was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life after having her. My husband used to say that I was 20 pounds away from divorce papers. (To him me hitting 200 lbs was grounds for divorce) People would think he was joking, but he would say he was dead serious. He’s a big gym guy and has always been in great shape. I hated the gym even when he would get me in there. This went on for years until I fell in love with Zumba. I lost quite a bit of weight, got off my blood pressure meds and felt great. I got obsessed and we started working out together and I started teaching Zumba. I was in the best shape of my life. I was a solid and toned 145-150. At 5’5″ I was pretty much at my goal weight. He was 5’8″ and well over 200 lbs. of muscle. We were the Power Couple at the gym. Because of a miscommunication with the owner of the gym that we worked out at and that I taught Zumba at, I left to teach somewhere else and my husband left there as well. We were no longer working out together because of this. Working out together kept us connected and was something we both enjoyed. 

Then my husband went out of town for work and had his affair. When he returned obviously my life had been turned upside down and I didn’t even know how much. I stopped eating and my body went into fight or flight mode. I lost even more weight and looked horrible. Obviously he thought I looked great even though I was dying inside. He was so stressed by living two lives that he lost weight as well. 

Fast forward to now. 3 years past dday. He looks back to normal. No, not muscle huge, but right under 200. He doesn’t have time to work out anymore which he hates, but that’s what happens when you work 6 days a week. Me on the other hand is struggling to lose the stress weight brought on by staying with the man that I love that cheated on me. I packed on the weight that I lost in the midst of his affair and then some. I’m heavier than I was when I was 9 months pregnant with our youngest. I’m absolutely miserable and so afraid that he’s not finding me attractive. Even though he tells me I’m his beautiful wife and he loves me very much, there’s that doubt in the back of my mind that he’s not telling me the truth. And that old joke that I’m 20 lbs away from divorce papers plays over and over in my mind. 

I’m making some big changes and working out more, eating right, supplements and the weight isn’t budging. I’m so frustrated. It boils down to I’m not happy with myself. I don’t love myself. My self esteem has been shattered and I can’t get it back no matter what I do….

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14 thoughts on “Body issues 

  1. Do you not love yourself cuz you stayed with your husband after he betrayed you? Or do you not love yourself cuz you are insecure cuz your husband cheated?? I dont know if it makes a difference which one but I was just curious…

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    • Honestly probably a little of both. I love my husband dearly, obviously because I fought hard for my marriage because I believe in second chances. Part of me never thought I would even stay if he cheated. On the other hand yes, I’m extremely insecure now since I was in the best shape of my life and in my sexual prime when he decided to cheat. So it makes me always doubt him. Right now it’s just a cumulation of everything that is making me unhappy and not loving myself. I know I’ve got to get out of this funk, but it’s so hard. My motivation and confidence is gone. I literally just get through the day to go to bed and get up to do it again.

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      • Ya I understand. I am a beautiful person (inside and out) – not to toot my own horn but I am – just keeping it real. Unfortunately, my husband still cheated on me – goes to show you that his affair had nothing to do with my looks or my character, it was his lack there of … I’m sorry tho. I dont know how to snap out of the funk at times either. I miss the days where I felt comfortable around my husband, bed-hair-dont-care type of days. Now, I am all dressed to impressed….shit sucks. The aftermath of affairs just blow! Men have no idea how much damage they really do when they cheat.

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  2. My husband has always been into appearances so when I was heavy years ago it was really hard to listen to him tell people that I was 20 lbs away from divorce papers. And watch them kinda laugh and say “oh you’re funny, you’re just kidding” and he would say “oh no I’m not, and she knows that I’m serious.” I tried to play it off that it didn’t bother me. Then he would say things like “I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, if it wasn’t for me, her and her daughter would still be living with her mom”.
    I know that his affair had nothing to do with me. I know without a doubt that my husband is insecure and that is why he would constantly put me down. He has changed alot these lsst 3 years after dday in a good way. He has no idea that my self loathing has anything to do with his cheating since I don’t bring it up anymore even though on those days when I’m feeling really low I want to tell him.
    No, they truly don’t understand the permanent damage they do to us.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your self esteem can and will come back. It will come back when you want it to come back. And it should come back for you and you alone. Not for your husband or anyone else. I know you love him and want to look attractive for him, but in the end, you need to love yourself. More than you love him. Not a selfish love, but a real love that no one will ever be able to break. Love yourself and love God.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is heartbreaking. I’m really sorry to hear how you are struggling. It sounds like you’ve hit a bit of depression. Have you thought of going to see a counselor? They may have some insights to help you get our of this funk.

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  5. “I know that his affair had nothing to do with me. I know without a doubt that my husband is insecure and that is why he would constantly put me down.”

    Exactly! I wish more people could read your words and understand this. Thanks for sharing this post. That inner Zumba goddess is in there. She is you. Let her out! ((Hugs))

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  6. I totally agree with the comments of “thataffair”. That Zumba goddess is still there, ready to come out again, stronger than ever!

    and…as I present workshops on stress I know what it does to the body. Prolonged high stress messes up your metabolism and digestive system.
    So it is dealing with the stress which is related to high anxiety and to high insecurity. Step-for-step taking back what you lost, starting with self-acceptance and feeling increasingly more confident when you look after yourself is a start.

    Man having affairs has indeed nothing to do with how their partner looks. In general the AP looks a lot less attractive, is less intelligent and has absolutely no integrity and any level of empathy.

    Take care,
    You can do it !
    Two steps forward, one back, and again…keep on going :)!

    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I so understand what you are saying. When I was pregnant my husband told me that he didn’t find me attractive. Those words have echoed a million times throughout our marriage. When he met me and I was 25 I was skinny. I am not anymore. He has made it so clear that skinny is his idea of attractive and I just cannot live up to that. I have lost 65 pounds but it never seems to be enough. This even tho he is balding, getting a tummy, etc. I accept him why is it so difficult the other way around. I am an attractive woman…just not thin enough. Sigh.

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    • I put alot of pressure on myself to be the ideal skinny woman for him. I won’t ever be what I looked like at 25 either (when we met as well). He says now that he loves me the way I am that I’m not fat (i am) but his standard has always been well known. So why is it different now? Because he knows he fucked up and doesn’t want to lose everything, or does he really love me…all of me the way I am? I just don’t know.

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