Body issues 

I’ve struggled for years after the birth of our second daughter with my weight. Before this I had always been thin and under 120lbs most of my life. I had high blood pressure and was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life after having her. My husband used to say that I was 20 pounds away from divorce papers. (To him me hitting 200 lbs was grounds for divorce) People would think he was joking, but he would say he was dead serious. He’s a big gym guy and has always been in great shape. I hated the gym even when he would get me in there. This went on for years until I fell in love with Zumba. I lost quite a bit of weight, got off my blood pressure meds and felt great. I got obsessed and we started working out together and I started teaching Zumba. I was in the best shape of my life. I was a solid and toned 145-150. At 5’5″ I was pretty much at my goal weight. He was 5’8″ and well over 200 lbs. of muscle. We were the Power Couple at the gym. Because of a miscommunication with the owner of the gym that we worked out at and that I taught Zumba at, I left to teach somewhere else and my husband left there as well. We were no longer working out together because of this. Working out together kept us connected and was something we both enjoyed. 

Then my husband went out of town for work and had his affair. When he returned obviously my life had been turned upside down and I didn’t even know how much. I stopped eating and my body went into fight or flight mode. I lost even more weight and looked horrible. Obviously he thought I looked great even though I was dying inside. He was so stressed by living two lives that he lost weight as well. 

Fast forward to now. 3 years past dday. He looks back to normal. No, not muscle huge, but right under 200. He doesn’t have time to work out anymore which he hates, but that’s what happens when you work 6 days a week. Me on the other hand is struggling to lose the stress weight brought on by staying with the man that I love that cheated on me. I packed on the weight that I lost in the midst of his affair and then some. I’m heavier than I was when I was 9 months pregnant with our youngest. I’m absolutely miserable and so afraid that he’s not finding me attractive. Even though he tells me I’m his beautiful wife and he loves me very much, there’s that doubt in the back of my mind that he’s not telling me the truth. And that old joke that I’m 20 lbs away from divorce papers plays over and over in my mind. 

I’m making some big changes and working out more, eating right, supplements and the weight isn’t budging. I’m so frustrated. It boils down to I’m not happy with myself. I don’t love myself. My self esteem has been shattered and I can’t get it back no matter what I do….