It’s been over three months since I’ve posted anything. Really haven’t had much to write about. I have gotten through oldest daughter’s 19th birthday, husband’s birthday and lil ones 13th birthday and now I must make it through the holidays. One down, one to go. Unfortunately my heart isn’t in it this year. I didn’t even go black Friday shopping. The girls have been out of town since Friday. They went up north for their great grandfather’s 100th birthday. Husband and I didn’t go since he just started a new job in July and I wasn’t going to go without him, so we decided to just send the kids.
So here I am sitting at home alone since they left. Husband has been working open to close since Friday. I’ve gone out but don’t even care to shop for Christmas. I’ve attempted to start putting up the tree and decorate and didn’t even finish that yesterday. I feel so alone, so depressed. Husband and I even said that we were going to have wonderful alone time while the girls were gone. That hasn’t happened. I should be grateful he has a good job that provides a wonderful life for us. Instead I’m resentful of the time it takes from us. Unfortunately it’s more him going above and beyond for his employers, as always and myself and his kids get what’s left over of his time. I don’t know if I can continue living like this. 18 years though is a long time to walk away even after the shit storm he brought into our lives. I’m just lonely and tired. I was hoping his affair and the aftermath was going to wake up our marriage and change something in it for maybe the better. Nope. Wishful thinking I suppose.
forever changed, but not broken 
I hear you, so sorry, depression and loneliness are awful. Hope it gets better.
I’m not the best for advice, but have you talked to your husband about realigning his priorities to spend more time with you and the kids at the expense of work? I know for a time I thought my working extra was good for my family, but my wife told me she’d rather I take more time for my son, so I stopped going in on weekends and working late.
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Thank you. My husband is in the restaurant business so realigning his priorities is not going to happen. He works 6 days a week which is expected of him by the owner. When he worked corporate as a chef his hours were a little better, but he always put work first. Didn’t think the kitchen would survive without him so he never went on vacation with us, ever. He is the primary bread winner, so that gets thrown at me if I say anything. I can’t win. Never will.
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At least you’ve tried, that’s all you can do. I know how that goes. I’m the only bread winner and my wife is primary taking care of house and baby, it is an ugly eternal battle of who does more whenever an argument starts, who is pulling their weight (honestly, neither of us could do it without the other so it is silly). I know it is more of a symptom of a greater problem though, so what can you do? I know it is trite, but take some time for yourself. Of course, when you are depressed even your favorite things feel unfulfilling and empty. Seems like all you can do is wait for it to dissipate. Or get help.
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That’s not a good place to be. I often feel that way too. Always in 2nd place to her job. She promises to leave in time to be home for dinner everyday and 4 out of 5 days is barely home for bedtime. Then spends the rest of the night on work. Is this how my life will be? I totally understand what you feel. You feel guilty saying they need to be home, but you can’t continue like this.
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Thanks. I used to hear that he felt like a paycheck and I would say I felt like the maid and nanny. Funny thing is when the kids were younger I worked a full time job. He doesn’t say those things anymore, yet I sometimes still feel like the maid, yet I take that on because of how much he works. I do it to take stress off him, but shoot myself in the foot in the process. Neverending battle within myself.
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Yes. You do it to take the stress off but then it just becomes routine and expected.
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He foreverchanged,
I read your post yesterday and I had to think about a response. I understand your situation, as this was us…and it looks like there is no way out.
What helped me was to focus on what I wanted to do for me. It was hard as all family matters needed attention first, but after that, you can take time to write down what you would like to do for you. Many mothers, and primary caregiver do not think that way.
But you are hurt, and you will see that by doing some stuff for yourself, your self worth reaches a healthier level.
What you want to do, does not matter as long as it is rewarding to you.
Doing things for you, increases your confidence level, and when you feel more confident, it helps to spend the little time there is with your kids and husband. It might not be much time with him but you both can make it worthwhile.
Elisabeth
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Thank you.
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