Depression is getting the best of me

I’ve been so depressed lately. I have so much on my plate that I’m feeling overwhelmed. Business has been super slow and it makes me sad wondering how I’m going to pay for this or that. I put way to much on myself, I always have. I have a husband that makes good money yet I refuse to ask him for help. I have always paid for certain things and now I’m struggling to do that, but I don’t like to tell him. The other day I was upset and he asked me why? I said “why would you want to be with someone who has no drive anymore?” I’ve noticed that I had more drive and determination when I was trying to save my marriage then I ever had in my life. Now, I’m just living day to day and don’t care about anything anymore. Maybe I should’ve just let him leave, would I have been better off? Would he have? It’s been well over two years since I was brought to my knees and betrayed by the love of my life, taken down to the lowest place in my life so why am I still feeling this way? I don’t want to feel worthless and not good enough anymore, but the darkness keeps creeping into my heart. I can’t stop it and it’s suffocating me. I’ve told him that I need a break, that I need some time away from all of this. I think he understands, but I don’t know how to go about even taking that break. I have responsibilities that my mind won’t let me let go of do to what’s best for myself. I’m absolutely miserable. I can put on a brave face in front of everyone, but inside I’m dying. 

I want me back. The old me. The woman who was independent, strong, fearless, happy, funny, loving. I know… she isn’t coming back. She was destroyed when her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore, when he told her he met someone else and loved her instead. When he told her that she wasn’t his last, or his future. When he destroyed everything that was good in her and made her bitter. Yes, that strong woman fought for her marriage, but for what? To say she won? Why can’t I find her and get her back? 

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15 thoughts on “Depression is getting the best of me

  1. Depression is hard. But it’s even harder when you’re alone in it – although ironically, depression is what makes us want to be alone. It’s a vicious cycle for sure.

    How did your husband answer when you asked him why he would still want to be with you.

    Definitely take time to create space and take care of yourself. I think after fighting for him, and thing trying to rebuild this marriage has tired you out over the past 2 years.

    Do what you need to, but I would suggest including your husband in this, even if you don’t want to. He may feel helpless in this, but by having him understand where you’re coming from, he may be a bigger ally that you realize (although I have no idea what he is like in real life – so you will be the judge of that). This might also be the opportunity for him to prove himself as well.

    I think it’s important that you try to understand where the depression is coming from. His affair has hurt you immensely and from the sounds of it, you’re not “over it”. Try to understand what the lingering effects are now – it seems like you’re feeling unworthy, not-special, still very disappointed about his choices and not fighting for you.

    Try to let him know that you don’t hate who he is today – but his actions still hurt you. Those memories still haunt you. Challenge him to be patient and fight for you now, as you’ve fought for him. This is your time of need, ask him to prove himself to you and that ARE special, that you ARE worth fighting for. That what he couldn’t do then, he needs to do now and always.

    Take care of yourself! But I would strongly suggest not trying to take on depression alone.

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    • He told me he loved me. And that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Then proceeded to tell me all the things that I needed to do with my business. I didn’t need that. I just needed to be heard that I’m struggling. We’re back to “business as usual” and he’s back to being too busy at work to be there for me. Back to work comes first. He is so stressed at work so I take on my depression and anxiety by myself. I have no one to lean on, especially my best friend who I need the most. I have to tell the kids to be on their best behavior on dad’s day off so as to not upset him and take him back to the place where he didn’t want to come home. It feels like eggshells sometimes. When we talk it’s always about his work and what he’s got going on with it. There is no time to talk about us. I’m falling apart and not quite sure what I want from this anymore. I’m so afraid I’m going to resent him for not being there for me. And no, I’m not over his affair. It’s unfortunately still very much there in my heart. And I still have nightmares about them. I would’ve thought after over two years it would be a distant memory.

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      • It sounds like why you’re partly not “over” the affair is because there are many unresolved issues. Some I can see here are:
        1) He’s prioritizing work above you and family
        2) You feeling alone, and him not being there for you.
        3) You still feeling like walking eggshells
        4) You need your children to be on their best behaviour to not scare him off
        5) You just needed to be heard that you’re struggling.

        While I think its important to nurture and environment where all parties feel comfortable and happy, I think it’s a fine line between nurturing mutual love and respect, and living out of fear. You cannot control your husband or his behaviour – he needs to make those choices themselves. All you can do is be his wife and partner, and love him. But at the same time, you also should be loved and cherished by him.

        It seems that his affair has brought a lot of insecurity, disappointment, and low self-esteem from you. First question I think to address would be : what IS keeping him here? It seems your fear that should your children create stress for him or if you’re not on your “best game”, that he will leave again. You still have that fear it will happen again. If your husband truly means it that he regrets what he did, learned from his mistake, and truly loves his family – then he will need to find a way to keep his family at the forefront of his mind, and find other ways of coping with stress. What DOES his family and marriage mean to him?

        As for you feeling alone and not being there for you – I guess it’s a hard one. I understand he is extremely busy at work and providing for you and your family. The questions for him is 1) Does he care about your feelings and needs? And does he want to help. 2) Why is he working so hard being stressed out so much? Is all that worth the pain and neglect from his family? 3) What does HE want here – does he want to cherish and love his family more than recognition and success from work. This is all a matter of priority and importance for him.

        I can say that perhaps he may not cheat again. But should he focus so much on work, stress, and outside pressures that he is willing to neglect his family – he is once again setting himself up to develop resentment, entitlement and putting himself in a position to hurt his family and marriage once again. And I can see all that is scary for you.

        While the affair was over 2 years ago, perhaps the way life is now has settled back to old patterns and it is bring up pain and hurts that were realized from his actions. If your husband truly means when he says he loves you and cares about you – then ask him to show it. Don’t be afraid to scare him off in your time of need. Otherwise, there is little strength in the relationship.

        Try to find a way/time to communicate with him. Show empathy and compassion, while being forthright with your feelings and needs. And work together to strengthening the marriage and relationship. You may “know him”, and therefore anticipate his reactions. He may not act the way you expect him too! Just keep in mind that whats most important here is not his ability now, but his intentions. If he does love and intends to love you, then he will try and listen and slowly make the changes. He may fail, and you may need to remind him more than once. There may be frustrations and arguments, but the key thing is that he will keep trying.

        You needed to be heard that you’re struggling and not advice. To be honest, its very understandable he gave you advice on your business. It is common when someone is struggling to give advice to solve the problem. The mindset is – if you’re struggling/unhappy – find a solution to it. Especially for males, their thought process is much more practical and less emotional. It certainly doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, or your feelings, but that they truly think giving practical advice will help. Make sure to voice your needs that you need to be heard, and that all you needed was to share your emotions with him, and have him listen show that he cares. Guide him towards empathy and what you need. Everyone responds differently to emotions and all he can do is respond with what he thinks will help you.

        If he is unwilling to try/doesn’t care then I guess the tough decision remains for you as to whether you will accept staying in this relationship; or whether you will leave. But while it seems that your husband may be stubborn at times, from your posts it seems that he genuinely does regret his decisions, regrets hurting you, and wants to make this marriage work. The important part is though – and something he needs to realize – is that its not only about what he feels/wants, but that he also needs to make sure you feel the same as well. Because at the end of the day, you also have a choice to leave as well…

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      • Thank you so much for your insight. I do believe that our life has settled back into the old patterns and I’m not comfortable with that. It makes me fear that he’ll feel that resentment again. He tells me all the time that he loves me, but it’s said so much more now that it’s almost losing its meaning to me. He thinks buying me things shows me he loves me- I don’t need that. I need affection. I need his time and he doesn’t have that and never has. Work dominates his life and that will never change. I believe that he thinks providing for us shows us his love.

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  2. Why do you feel that he will resent you? It seems to you that prior to the affair, that everything was going well. Is this resentment something that he truly felt prior to the affair, or did the affair made him “realize” that he resented his family?

    If he was resentful prior to the affair- then certainly this is something that you both will need to work on. However, if it was the affair that made him “realize” that he was resentful – then it begs the question if he was truly unhappy in the marriage, or if “tasting the forbidden fruit” made him now wants more. Of course we all learn from our experiences, and him realizing that he was being stretched too thin/ lost sense of self may not be a bad thing. However, its how you choose to deal with that resentment/new found understanding that is most important.

    You should NOT need to feel afraid he will be resentful. Because at the end of the day, it’s HIS responsibility to figure out how to deal with that resentment. He needs to understand HOW he got to be resentful, and how he will deal with it in order to maintain his family and relationship. This may involve him changing the way he thinks/needs (eg. fall back in love with you/family); it may be learning to communicate; or finding healthy outlets to have personal space in ways that is still respectful to you. To be honest, “losing yourself” within your family/relationship is not a bad thing – after all, marriage is a union, in which you need to think of each other as “We” rather than “I”. It’s when your own desires don’t match the contract of the marriage, where you start developing dissonance and resentment. There is not particular “Right” way to deal with resentment, but as long as the method works for him and you. Unfortunately, you walking on eggshells will most definitely NOT help him nor help KEEP him.

    Words and gifts may be his way to cherish you. And it must be frustrating for him, when he says he loves you, for you to doubt him or ask for more. While his affair certainly took much weight away from his words, it doesn’t change that he may truly mean it when he says it. Could you work on accepting his compliments and expressions of love? Same with gifts, he may be thinking of you when you bought them. Could you accept them, and the heart that went with them?

    Of course, as you said, you have different needs, and words/gifts may not be what you’re looking for to feel loved. Have you heard of love language? After an affair, I can definitely understand that you need something more intangible to feel safe and secure in your marriage – to feel an intimacy and connection with him.

    It definitely puts you in a hard place if he is unable to give you that. I suppose what’s important is if he is even willing to consider your needs? To consider your desire for intimacy as important because YOU want them. Or does he dismiss them and become defensive? Providing for one’s family is most certainly a way to show love. While it may be unromantic – it is a necessity and I do believe that he is showing his love for his family by working hard, and earning money. What he needs to realize however, is while financial stability and living luxury is important,is it worth losing connection/ love/time from his family? It important for him to understand that you are NOT ungrateful for his hard work – but that at the end of the day, there are just things more important to you (having a true relationship/intimacy with him) than to live comfortably. It brings back the post you wrote- that you were willing to follow him anywhere (up north). It goes to show its not the money, or the luxuries – but that at the end of the day – its him that’s important to you. Help him understand that.

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  3. I can’t begin to thank you for this.
    I do believe him when he says he loves me and I do believe he is sorry for what he did. I thought we had a pretty solid marriage before the affair. No, things weren’t the way I would’ve liked them, but we were affectionate and were a good team. Honestly I think we had some resentment towards each other about 2 years before the affair though. His step brother lived with us for about a year and a half. This caused a lot of problems for us. Not that he was a bother, but after my husband would work all day he would then come home and play on PlayStation with his brother for hours. It was like they were two little boys all over again. I essentially felt I had 4 kids. I stayed busy with our girls, working, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. I made excuses that that was his downtime for working so hard to provide for us. If I did say anything that’s when he would say that he felt like a paycheck. Mind you, I worked as well. I was resentful, but I took it in stride and was still the loving wife and knew his brother would eventually move out. I knew exactly where my resentment was coming from.
    I essentially put the kids first and he did work. I’m not sure if when he met her if he then realized how much he did resent me and the grass looked greener.
    I just want that connection/ intimacy back. Thank you again for all your help. You have made me see some things that I need to work on myself and some things we need to talk about.

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  4. I’m sorry that it’s getting the best of you. I’m stuck in the same awful place. Maybe it’s the weather, IDK but hopefully it will pass soon. You are a strong woman. You WILL get thru this. You have made all the best decisions for you and your family. I don’t see any other options for you. You love him and he loves you. That counts for something. He’s willing to work at your marriage. That counts for something. You’ve got a lot of positive things in your life. We all have made mistakes and learn from them. Be considerate to yourself and learn to say no to others. Maybe telling him about financial issues may make him feel like a manly protector of his family. I think it would stroke his ego a little knowing he can take care of his family. It’s not a weakness for you admit to defeat. Lean on your man and he will sustain you.❤️

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  5. Oh Forever. I’m sorry you are here. Healing from affairs is dreadfully hard work and you guys have had additional pressure with the move/not move, jobs, etc.
    Everything StupidRandom says is solid…but it is hard to be able to move into those thoughts/behavior changes especially when you are kind of caught in the reality of your life. Do you attend any counseling at all?
    One of the things that has been invaluable to my healing is our support groups. HUSBAND attends with other men who have cheated, I attend with women who have been betrayed and then we attend a couple session together. It has helped me learn how to have my healthy voice in our marriage (not walking on egg shells) and for HUSBAND to become a safe place for me (just hear me, love me and not try to fix things).
    This road of healing is long…and arduous…and it is important that if you want to do it together, you are intentional every day about the path together.
    Thinking of you, beautiful and strong sister. HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you.
      No, we don’t go to any counseling or support groups. Time is an important factor for at least my husband in that regard and the fact that he wouldn’t go if I even asked. I went to counseling early on when I initially found out about the affair, but I didn’t like her so I stopped going. Doing this blog and talking to others like yourself who understand helps tremendously. (((( hugs)))) to you too

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  6. I’m sorry. Depression is hard and I suggest not making any decisions until you feel a bit better. A dr once said that depression is an indication that the pool you’re in has become too small and a change needs to be made. Somehow. I suggest talking to.someone if you can. I also suggest reading “stop saying you’re fine” by Mel Robbins. It’s great

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  7. I’ve been there. I got so depressed I wanted to die at times. Even after my husband ended his affair and our marriage was restored, the battle took so much out of me. It took a very long time to get back to normal. Being betrayed like that is extremely traumatic, and it takes all your energy to survive. Don’t push yourself or be too hard on yourself. I just looked at my depression as being something that was so overwhelming it took a long time to bounce back and get past it. Trusting again takes a long time, and it takes hard work. Honest communication is necessary. Healing takes time, and part of healing is working through and getting past the depression and other feelings. Don’t rush it or think you should be past it all by now. You went through hell. There are going to be many things you feel and think that you may not expect or that you think you should be past. You can’t rush the process. It took me 2 to 3 years to really feel like I had healed and was in a much better place, but even now I still have moments. At least you and your husband are talking, but you still have work ahead of you.

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