I’ve been so depressed lately. I have so much on my plate that I’m feeling overwhelmed. Business has been super slow and it makes me sad wondering how I’m going to pay for this or that. I put way to much on myself, I always have. I have a husband that makes good money yet I refuse to ask him for help. I have always paid for certain things and now I’m struggling to do that, but I don’t like to tell him. The other day I was upset and he asked me why? I said “why would you want to be with someone who has no drive anymore?” I’ve noticed that I had more drive and determination when I was trying to save my marriage then I ever had in my life. Now, I’m just living day to day and don’t care about anything anymore. Maybe I should’ve just let him leave, would I have been better off? Would he have? It’s been well over two years since I was brought to my knees and betrayed by the love of my life, taken down to the lowest place in my life so why am I still feeling this way? I don’t want to feel worthless and not good enough anymore, but the darkness keeps creeping into my heart. I can’t stop it and it’s suffocating me. I’ve told him that I need a break, that I need some time away from all of this. I think he understands, but I don’t know how to go about even taking that break. I have responsibilities that my mind won’t let me let go of do to what’s best for myself. I’m absolutely miserable. I can put on a brave face in front of everyone, but inside I’m dying.
I want me back. The old me. The woman who was independent, strong, fearless, happy, funny, loving. I know… she isn’t coming back. She was destroyed when her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore, when he told her he met someone else and loved her instead. When he told her that she wasn’t his last, or his future. When he destroyed everything that was good in her and made her bitter. Yes, that strong woman fought for her marriage, but for what? To say she won? Why can’t I find her and get her back?